Misconception 3: BSDM is only for twisted people

This writing session is stimulated by the radio show I did on Booty Call Airwaves on Bay FM99.9, Byron Bay independent radio.  We did a “BSDM Unplugged” and discussed BDSM versus kink, its perceptions, and its definitions and unplugged a bit of this still taboo subject.

There are many who wonder why would anyone want to get into BDSM play… and who ask, what is that anyway…exactly?

Bondage, role-play games, power exchange, the images of the leather clad Dominatrix and the mean Master, and the world of “dark” kinky activities are viewed with a distance by the mainstream.  I believe the concept even activates a bit of fear for some.  They don’t feel that world is for them at all, because they are “good” – light – and that is dark – “bad”.

As a taboo subject in our society, there is little accurate genuine disseminated information and even less experiential contact with the activities of BDSM: Bondage & Discipline; Dominance & Submission; Sado-Masochism.

Misconceptions & Myths abound! How fun, let’s look at 5 common misconceptions:

1. It has to involve pain

Not necessarily.  There are role-plays that involve pain or physical discipline as a way to submission and there are also many other role-plays that do not include extreme sensations and play more with the ambience, the costume, the psychological play and the hot raunchy sex…

2. You are sick or twisted to want to do that stuff; there must be something wrong with you

We are made up of light and dark particles. It is all beautiful to explore. If you want to explore different fantasies and roles with your partner/lover, this is healthy – the opposite of sick.  Unfortunately the relationships that get sick are the ones that stop exploring or daring to share their fantasies and they stop taking risks with each other. Nothing is wrong if it’s consensual and doesn’t hurt you or someone else.

3. It’s mainly compromised women who submit to dominant, potentially violent, men

This is so not the case.  There are an equal number of men who love falling into the surrender and submission to their Mistress, Queen or Dominatrix.  In fact, there is greater need for men to be forced or led into going beyond their everyday selves, as they have been taught to not feel or show emotion.

“Punishment exists to break a submissive male’s resistance, so that he humbles himself before you in an agonizing ecstasy of submission.  To that tend, you use the intense stimulation of pain, humiliation, and terror to propel him beyond his workaday self – controlled, reserved and unemotional – through the walls of conventional masculinity and into a world where he can FEEL and BE.  [A world] where he can expiate his sins and safely experience the terror he would ordinarily hide from.”

The Mistress Manual by Mistress Lorelei, Greenery Press 2000

4. It always suits the sadistic needs of the dominant, the sub is being abused…

The submissive is actually in charge, as she/he gives permission to be dominated and abused. There is always an agreement between consenting sensible adults, that’s the only way it works and the only way it’s sexy. As soon as the sub does not give permission or doesn’t want to play anymore, the game is over.

5. Sexual power would always be dangerous & misused, it can not be loving and sensual

Simply not true. In fact in a recent rope bondage workshop I did, I witnessed two women doing a breast harness bondage and they played in a sensual, soft, subtle, delicious power exchange space.  There was one person with the “power” but actually the one tied up gave that to her partner through her surrender into the sensation of the rope on her skin and her pleasure inside the restraint.


Stay tuned for my next news post BDSM Unplugged – where do you start?